When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
