ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
