It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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