i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
