I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
