____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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