Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
