I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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