The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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