My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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