Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
