Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
