we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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