should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
