you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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