Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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