god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
