Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
