dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
