it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
