I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
