Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
