apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
