how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
