R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
