Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
