I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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