Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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