I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
