all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
