i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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