I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
