i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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