I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
