i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
