so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
