Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
