Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
