I just saw a hot homeless man
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
