Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
