They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
