Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
