I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
