I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
