i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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