I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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