So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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