i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
