I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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