I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
