Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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